Why Do I Keep Going Back to Girls Who Treat Me Like Shit?!?

Question by Nathaniel: Why do I keep going back to girls who treat me like shit?!?
I have been on and off with this girl for over 3 years. I treat her great, yet I get lied to, hung up on, ignored by text message, and so on. She knows no other girl will give me sex, so she holds that over my head. I tell her I love her, go out in storms for her to buy her food, take her out, etc, yet I get treated like shit! She will ignore me until I contact her again, then the cycle starts all over again! I’m so sick of this! Why do I keep going back to this?! I was abused physically by my father as a child and her mom died of a cocaine overdose when she was 14. We both seem to be dysfunctional, yet she always has the upper hand! How do I show her whose boss when she obviously doesn’t care for me?!
IM AFRAID TO BE ALONE, SO I STAY IN THESE RELATIONSHIPS!

Best answer:

Answer by Dark Angel
Find a new girl and be your own boss? You just let her use you so you can get sex? Find some other girl dude.

Answer by DTKB
Nathaniel, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you both “seem” to be dysfunctional. I am really sorry that both of you have endured such a great deal of abuse and trauma as children. It is so wrong and so sad and so damaging to an individual. Often, because that is all one ever knew or ever learned, children grow up to repeat or subject themselves to further cycles of abuse for many, many reasons. I know that you know that THAT is no good. It seems you will do anything to get and maintain someone’s affection—even if that involves not getting treated in the manner in which you deserve. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, may have trust issues and be in a very bad habit of testing an intimate’s love and loyalty, pushing them further and further away to see if you will keep coming back. Clearly it is all a sick cycle.

I am sure you have heard Dr. Phil say that “we teach other people how to treat us.” This means you have to establish a reasonable and realistic set of standards for yourself as to what is and what is not an acceptable way for you to be treated by others. Sit down and write out what behaviors exhibited by others in their treatment of you are absolutely not acceptable. If you do not establish a standard of integrity and respect for yourself, be aware that there are many people in this world that will walk all over you. That is why it is important to sit down and do some serious soul searching and put it in writing as an easy reference. Then write down unacceptable behaviors that you exhibit that you need to work on or change altogether.

Moving on for a moment, how do you or your mean girlfriend know that no other girl will “give you sex?” That is an example of low self-esteem if you are buying into THAT notion and your girlfriend CHOOSES to play on your low self-esteem and torment you with that notion. Stop buying into that way of thinking right now! Besides, you do not want to be with a girl that “gives” you sex—you want to be with a gal who is interested in having sex WITH you. Big difference. Is all this heartache and grief worth the sex you “get?” How can you even stand engaging in such an intimate act with someone who treats you so poorly?

Listen, I am not saying that your girlfriend is necessarily a bad gal, but you both have gotten into a lousy cycle of behavior. I am not saying this to hurt your feelings, but I think your girlfriend half despises you because you allow her to walk all over you—it disgusts her–believe me when I tell you that. You do not have to be mean to stand up to her, but you have to be FIRM and reasonable in what you say and then you absolutely MUST stick to your guns and walk away. The calmer you are, the firmer you are, the more un-rattled you stay—the LOUDER YOUR MESSAGE. She will try to test you and to rattle you and to get you all worked up. Don’t do it. Stay calm. The calmer you are, the more control you have over yourself and the situation. Don’t go chasing after her. If she wants you in her life and she is ready to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, she will come after you sooner or later. In the meantime, you just might find that there are more fish in the sea. Even then, she needs to know that she will be on a “one strike and you’re out” rule. She also needs to be prepared for the rude awakening when some other girl takes a second look at you and you move on. She will not know how to behave.

Finally, you asked a very good question, “How do I show her whose boss when she obviously doesn’t care for me?!” Nathaniel, listen to me very closely: the one who loves the least controls the relationship. The one who loves the least—in this case your girlfriend—controls the relationship.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be in a relationship where you and the girl you are involved with felt the same level of love and respect for one another? Kindness, courtesy, and respect. Those attributes should be absolutely non-negotiable. Do not sell yourself short, Nathaniel, it can happen and no one will deserve and appreciate it more than you. But you must love and respect yourself first before you can expect anyone else to do the same.

Besides, how satisfying is sex if you have no dignity? I know you are a young man with raging hormones but ask yourself if it is really worth getting naked with someone who treats you so poorly? God no!!!!

Give this all some thought, Nathaniel–I know it is a lot to take in. In the meantime, know this, I am pulling for you Nathaniel—I believe in you and if you believe in yourself, you will receive the love you very much deserve. Go get ’em Tiger! 🙂

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